Monday, March 17, 2014

An Open Letter to All the Random Companies I've Never Heard of that Recently Contacted Me

Dear Recruiter,

Thank you for your recent unsolicited pushy phone calls/form emails where you forgot to fill in all the blank spots. That disruption to my day was much appreciated and made me really happy that I recently updated my resume on a job posting website.

Speaking of which, no, I do not believe you have recently reviewed my resume "on line" because if you did, you would have noticed that I am a copywriter and am, in fact, not looking for a full time sales position (there's supposed to be a hyphen between "full" and "time" in that instance, by the way). And if by some far stretch of the imagination you actually read my resume and realized that I was a copywriter, I must admit it scares me and does not make me want to work with you knowing that you do not realize that a copywriter would not make a good sales person.

Take a moment to consider this, if you need to.

I'll give you a hint: I prefer to communicate in writing. Getting there? No? While it's not a universal truth, you can generally assume that people who spend a lot of time perfecting the art of the written word are not spending that time talking to strangers they don't know and convincing them to buy things they don't want to buy. Personally, I'm a bit awkward at times and sort of a recluse. I have cats. Plural. So yeah, probably not a great fit. I always wanted to be a writer so that I wouldn't have to interact with a lot of people all the time. I don't like phone calls, (thanks again for that second follow-up call to tell me about why I should reconsider a promising career in sales), and I don't like talking to people I don't want to talk to. (Pause for emphasis).

I also don't own a single business suit. Again, I'm a writer, so I mainly dress in leggings and oversized sweaters. Lots of scarves too. I just got a Zombie Apocalypse charm bracelet that I've been wearing a lot too. If that actually is acceptable attire for your sales position, please let me know because I will give you a big thumbs up and tone down the snootiness a little.

But no, even then, I still wouldn't want to set up a time to discuss an opening in your corporation (is it just me or does that sound like a serious medical condition?). I know you weren't asking; you brazenly told me that you are willing to interview me for that coveted sales position and tried very hard to imply that I would be lucky to work for you. Sadly, that was not the message I inferred.

I wish you all the best as you continue to prey upon innocent people who are trying to better their lots in life and find new career opportunities. You're right. It's their own fault for thinking generic job posting sites are a convenient way to apply for jobs they are actually interested in. You showed them.

Kudos for trying to make your company look legitimate, though. In my younger days when I was fresh on the job market and eager to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I actually fell for it once or twice and made it to the "interview" where you try to convince a group of naïve recent grads that they'll make so much money if they work for you ... but you don't actually pay them. You only get paid when you make a sale. So for me, you never get paid. But at least you opened my eyes and helped me learn what I don't want to do with my life. Thanks for that.

Best of luck in continuing to waste everyone's time.

Sincerely,

Ms. Copywriter
Not a Sales Person